Benigno Aquino III, the new President of the Phillipines, has promised, in his efforts to signal change and honest leadership, that his calvacade will stop at red lights and not use sirens. Also, he will yield to pedestrians, tip homeless window-washers and not pick his nose in the car.

Confirmation hearings continue for solicitor general Elena Kagan. It appears to be a slam dunk and the bulk of what is transpiring is procedural--most agree she will be confirmed lesbian.

So happy to hear about Kevin Costner's oil separating machine! Also, Rebecca DeMornay's pelican-cleaning machine...excellent development.

The New York Times reports that the even the most significantly advanced robot administrative assistants are unable to process jokes, irony and sarcasm. As technology advances though, the avatars will someday be able to forward prayer chains and terrible jokes about men.

California's controller began printing i.o.u.'s in lieu of cash to pay taxpayers, vendors and local governments. Also, the state began coloring in coupons for "free back massage and car wash" and began making a list of everything it appreciates about you.

New York Times Finally Able to Publish Robert C. Byrd Obituary.

Today the New York Times unveiled its sixteen year old obituary of Robert C. Byrd, the ninety-two year old United States Senator.

"This has been something I've been dusting off for a good two decades. It's really the end of an era for those of us in the Obituary section." The obituary, originally written in ugh I got like four poor quality hours of sleep last night.