Breakfast

It's six am Cambodia time and I am ready to go. Even though I went to bed at three. God this sleep disorder is out of control. I have jet lag embedded inside of a serious sleep disorder. So here we are again with the lonliness and the books and the not sleeping in the hotel room. I organize my stuff. I organize it again. I shower. I realize I left my shower products at the fancy hotel in Bangkok. Great. Now I have to use Khmer Rouge Shampoo. I fix my hair. I read. I readjust my hair. Do I look like a lesbian soccer mom? They do exist right? If they do they look exactly like me. I go down to the lobby and email. I tell them "On Jerome's house account, okay? On house account." This hotel is not getting one cent from me. I'm hungry now. Great. There is nothing I want more than a big Ann Sather breakfast laid out on a table full of my friends and a big tall man who loves me. But it's not 2002 or whenever stuff like that happened in my life. I am in Cambodia. Where Jerome did not let me crash at his place.

Jerome and Lucy

While Jerome was taking me to get Valium he was talking to his little Khmer princess on the phone. She would be joining us for dinner. According to Jerome she's the most beautiful girl in all of Cambodia. Well, this I have got to see. I am not even the most beautiful girl in all of Albany Park, Chicago so to say I am feeling insecure and intimidated is to say, well is to say I'm not loaded up on Valium.

Somehow I end up paying for dinner because I'm the only one with cash one me. This is suspect. I think I read about this in a Dear Abby article. If it happens again, I should act like I forgot my wallet as well. I'm having a Dear Abby moment with a sex casino operator and his former hooker Khmer princess girlfriend. There is so much to not like about this situation.

Later we go back to the sex casino and drink and watch satellite television. At some point Lucy starts freaking out about Jerome not giving her enough attention and something about past girls and affairs and I kinda wanna say "Honey, this is soo U of I 1998. He was pulling this shit then too." Then she mentions him hitting her. Well, this is a new element. And not one any Midwestern liberal girl can stomach. What the fuck is she talking about? She goes into detail about black and blue eyes and cuts to her face. I'm on my third gin and tonic so it's time to kick Jerome's ass. Although, that seems contradictory and also physically impossible given his six foot frame. So I just verbally freak out at him. He says of course she's lying. All Khmer do is lie. Hmph. Jerome and I did have a relationship as transparent as Simone de Beauvoir's and Sartre's and he never lied to me and never spared me any detail about his life so maybe he's telling the truth now. Hmph. I At one point I find Lucy in the bathroom freaking out again. "He not give me ten dollah. I say if you love me you can give me ten dollah. He sleep too with other women. He sleep with one Vietnamee, he sleep with two Vietnamee." Hey, wasn't that a Dr. Seuss book? "One Vietnamee, Two Vietnamee." Okay, Kara, no jokes, this is a defenseless girl losing her mind, breaking down crying, abused by an American and tortured by demons that seem waaay too familiar. I tell her that she needs to make a choice. He is a womanizer and a sex addict and she needs to either accept that or move on. "He not even give me ten dollah. I tell him I have no money." Well, I see my little Dr. Phil moment is not having the impact I thought it would. Fuck her. Learn some English. Get a job. And leave men that treat you like shit. Simple. As. That.

So then I go back to talk to Jerome. At some point Lucy comes back out and starts fighting with him again and he threatens to call security on her. Which honestly, made me sort of jealous. You know it's love when someone's threatening to call security. I never loved a man so much he had to call the police on me. Although, I hear my text messaging to a certain ex made him want to change his phone. BUT HE DIDN'T. You hear what I'm saying? Men love this kind of dramatic attention. It makes them feel like Blake Carrington. "All these crazy women! So in love with me! When will the madness stop?!" As soon as you decide to file a restraining order.

Jerome brings us to a bar that he says is the most intense and dangerous in all of Asia. Whatever that means. It looks like the homo bar Berlin in Chicago. Well, old school Berlin. Black and silver. The way a bar should look. Not all this sumptuous orange and red couch shit. I want it punk rock. And here, we got it. I guess people are doing a lot of drugs...Hmmm....and everyone is Asian and the music is this techno thrash speed metal type stuff that's kinda creeping me out.

At the end of the night, Jerome and Lucy head off to do whatever and he says goodnight to me. "Tomorrow! Royal Palace"

Whatever. Tomorrow I leave your sex hotel

Yes Hi, I Would Like Some Valium? Valium?

I walked down towards that freeway or whatever the hell it is but before I got there Jerome showed up on the back of a moped. Time had certainly written a story on his face, if you get what I mean. Time has written a story on mine too, but I edit it with an excellent anti-oxident mattifier from DDF and Chanel creme poudre in "claire." Men have no such weapons in their arsenals...although I am reminded of a certain gay friend from U of I who kept a wonderful stash of cosmetics going. He didn't use them, he just collected them and pulled them out every now and then to look at, like a box of one's grandfathers war medals. This whole experience is going to require me to book two dermatologists to deal with the stress effects on my skin. Jerome did drive me to a pharmacy to get the Valium I need to deal with all the bikes, sheep and palpable resentment I feel for him. Palpable like I'm sure he can feel it. Good. Things are weird between us. Maybe that's what happens when people don't show up in foreign cities like they are supposed to!

At the pharmacy I mess up and get Xanax. Xanax does take away the evil stepsister Anxiety but doesn't replace her with her hot distant cousin "Floating in Space." For that, you need Valium, which makes everything oooookaaay. But luckily this is Cambodia and you can just go right back to the pharmacy and for 2 dollars get what you really need. Flight crew prepare for take off.

I Am Not Leaving This Khmer Rouge Hotel Room

I am readying myself for battle. That is what one has to do in these situations. Ready oneself for battle. Hunker down. Steel oneself. I have no idea what is going on outside on that "freeway." There certainly was no order I can tell you that. I've never seen so many people on mopeds. Well, of course not. I've seen those pictures of Asians on bicycles, sure. But here we have mopeds, cars, sheep and bicycles. I didn't see any pedestrians nor any sidewalks. Certainly no bicycle lanes. Plus, I think I saw an AK-47. It seems very dangerous outside this room.

I am not leaving my Khmer Rouge hotel room.

Yes I am. I'm not going to wait for Jerome any more. I know he said he was going to come find me but I've heard that one before. I am going for a walk. A Cambodian walk. And so I am readying myself for battle. A little daub of lipstick, some powder, we're ready to go. Cambodia, here comes Kara.

Fuck this Khmer Rouge Hotel Room

My attempt to get the fuck out of Bangkok didn't go so well. My little good luck Thai angelhomo could only get me so far. I realized I needed singles for Cambodia. I think some people in Cambodia can't even break a single. "Too mosh! Too mosh!" All I had was twenties and fifties and I remember Jake Riddleton saying I would definitely need small change in Cambodia. So I went to a bank and asked them for singles. "Yes, hi. Umm...Can you break a twenty? Umm...Singles? Small ones? Small small? Ones? Hello?" This did not go well. She offered me many small Thai Baht bills. I wanted to yell NO! US Dollars. You know US. America? Where people try? Where people greet each other with smiles and a friendly "Hi, how may I assist you"?! Where there is a modicum of understanding that if you work hard you will be rewarded and by golly I think that just might be true! No singles? Okay. Thank you.

So I'm now in Phnom Penh. I wanted to be in Siem Reap with all those hot backpackers I invented, getting mistaken by the townspeople for Angelina Jolie. Angerira Jorie! Angerira! (Do they know to ask for autographs?...wait...do the Cambodian people even know who Angelina Jolie is??? I'm guessing subscription to US Weekly is not high on their Christmas lists. For shame...wait...do the Cambodian people even have Christmas lists?? Christ. There is too. much. difference! To take in right now anyway.) So I wanted to be in Siem Reap, enwrapped in my pink scarf, rolling joints with the mighty-thighed of Europe, laughing about how ugly they think the Thai women are and graciously accepting complements on my long, graceful limbs, but the whole singles debacle made me rethink this whole border-crossing adventure. It's a challenge even for the veteran world traveler and I'm just a pill-popping Chicago yuppie who thinks that US Weekly and Carmel Macchiatos and palm pilots should be air-dropped to the children of the third world. MAKE A TO DO LIST. REVIEW YOUR GOALS. IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN ACHIEVE. DON'T SIT AROUND WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO NEED A TUK TUK. CREATE A NICHE MARKET. THINK LIKE YOUR CUSOMER!! IF YOU WANT TO SELL ME MEATS ON A STICK YOU COOK ON THE STREET THAT SMELLS LIKE PUSSY HONE YOUR CONCEPT. MAYBE MAKE IT LIKE A COOKING SHOW. STAND. OUT. Asia needs a swift kick in the ass if they expect to make it in the 21st Century. I'm seeing a lot of waiting around and I haven't seen a single power tie the whole time I've been here. Nobody seems to be in a rush to get anywhere and let me tell you, there's a price to pay for that. It's like Kanye West says. Difficult takes a day. Impossible takes a week. Aim High. Fuckin' A...ANYWAY I decided that maybe racing to do this make it across the border before it closes thing might not be such a great idea. Apparently, Poipet is still a really dangerous border town and if you stay there as a naive, single American female who always has bad things happen to her, bad things will happen to you. So I get off the sexy Skyway system that was actually easy to understand, except that all the stops were like "Sissawithasunahunafanny Way" or "Thilla Met Lok Avenue" instead of "Grand & Milwaukee" or "Wilson." But that's okay. Asia will come around and understand that their words can't be so long if they expect to make it in this modern world...ANYWAYS I then hail a cab, if we can call these things that, they certainly aren't Caprice Classics...and throw all three of my bags in the back seat and tell the dude to take me to the airport. We had a nice little discussion.

"What your age?"
"28. Although on Friday I turn 29. It's my birthday...What is your age?"
"Thailand."

Well, sure. That went well enough. It was human contact. It was a dialogue. Information was exchanged. Probably not. At any rate, he got me to the airport. Which got me on a plane. Which got me to Cambodia. Which got me to a sex casino.

The folks at Jerome's sex casino hotel just put me in the creepiest room. There was the usual language confusion when I came up to the front desk. "Hi, yes, I am here for Jerome Byron (This is not my friend's real name. I am going to use fake names that sound like soap opera names unless the person actually wants to be mentioned in my blog. Like Tracy Tedesco. Or Jeremy Wells. But like Sike Ridenstein? Fake name.)

"Ehhh....Jerooohhhh....wha??"

"Yeah, uh. Jerome Byron. Jerome Byron. He runs the casino here."

"Ehh....Mr. Jerome?"

"YES. Mr. Jerome. That's the one. Mr. Jerome. Is he here?"

"Ehhhh....waahhh momannnnhhh."

He came back and said that Mr. Jerome was out for the night but would I like to go on the house account? Sure. Whatever. That sounds really suspect to me and I don't know what this HOUSE ACCOUNT is about but it sounds like maybe I don't have to pay for a hotel room that I shouldn't have to pay for because I came HERE to rescue Jerome's ass. It also sounds like maybe I am now a prostitute. Mr. Jerome's house account. Jesus Christ. At least now we're getting closer to this Jackie O trip I'm talkin' about. The guy gives my room key to the doorman (!) who takes my bags and walks me through many creepy hallways to my creepy room. You don't get this kind of service at the Sheraton, I will tell you that. He shows me how to operate the console by my bed. (see creepy picture of creepy Khmer Rouge console) These Asians are really big into their control centers. This room is real 1970s and broken in but basically clean. 25 USD a night I think the guy mentioned at the front desk. ("But Mr. Jerome's house account right? Mr. Jerome's house account.") But folks, there are some stains you can't wash away. Like murdering 2 million of your own people in the 1970s. I want the fuck out of this room. I want to be in Chicago. Or have one of my Chicago boys with me right now. Why didn't I just sponsor one funny male companion. It would have just been $1000. He could pay me back. I could have charged it to my credit card. Anything but be inside a room alone where UNDOUBTEDLY party talks went down. I can feel it. Look at that console. Look at it good. It has a story to tell. And I don't want to hear it. I need to get the fuck out of this room. Fucking Khmer Rouge. Why didn't they just take everything from the 1970s and put it in a pile and burn it?! That's what I did when Blake broke up with me. I just had to take everything that reminded me of that phase and destroy it. Move. Forward.

I need to leave this hotel room. But outside my door it's even worse. What am I gonna do? Go for a walk? In CAMBODIA??

look out for number one

(the meal aboard china air flight from san fran to taipei)

So I decided that I needed to "look out for number one" and forget about Jerome and go do what I want to do. Which is see that big old nasty mildewy temple thing that you can see from outer space and get the fuck out of Bangkok. The whole city smells like pussy smoke. All this pussy smoke bellowing out at you. Pussy smoke? Yeah, just go with me here. My hotel provided me such guidance as "'Angkuh...anguk wat? ehhh no. ankkkguhhh" What?!? How can these people not know about the largest temple on the planet and one of the seven wonders of the world? I freaked out because I had no guide book, no "malls" were open in Bangkok and I had no way to get help. Internet was 8 dollars at the hotel!! Too mosh! Too mosh! So I went over to the gleaming, tall Hotel Intercontinental (that's what I'm talking about!) and found a wonderful ENGLISH speaking flaming thai homosexual. He even did the folded hands to nose proper thing. I had to do it too but I had all these papers in my hands and it was all awkward and shit. Probably the worst executed namaste or whatever they call it. But he printed out all these directions, and gave me maps and said the bus trip would be very nasty. I wanted to stand there and talk to him all day I was so starved for human affection. But I had a bus to catch and a city to flee.

I got to the end of the subway line, freaked out, got back on and went to the airport to get out of town that way. I ran from ticket booth to ticket booth begging them to tell me about their next flight out of their crappy city. I found a 2:40 to phenom pehn and booked it. I would go find Jerome. I hated him, was repulsed, but he would be someone to talk to.

So not Jackie O. Jackie O would never get her self in this situation.

Blog too long! too long!

Kara Does Asia: Episode 2

the following things are totally unacceptable but have been seen:

--an asian 15 year old girl with pig tails and dark kohled eyes, socks and flip flops and a tall hot white man. there must be about six levels of wrong. and all this at the san francisco international airport! i thought they patrolled such things.

--grown men with socks off at airport. please you are not bill buller and this is not your living room.

--somebody moving the handrest between us midflight and LYING down across two seats and pulling blanket OVER her head. WRONG. then this woman, and elderly indian woman LATER decides to pull down seat tray, put legs on that and sleep. At this point i am about to call over the flight attendant. but they are too busy being skinny hot and chinese.

--as hinted earlier, socks with flip flops are not uncommon.

--Folks, I'm gonna need someone from Plano fuckin Texas. Okay, just give me someone from like Henderson Kentucky. I'll even take a German. I just need somebody who makes me feel a little bit more in synch here folks. No man is an island unless she is tall and white and wearing most excellent clothes. God they really dress bad.

--Tyrone is coming. He says there were problems. There had better been. This has been the most insane experience of my life. A woman going alone to a weird third world city. It has O magazine article written ALLL over it. My aha moment! Oh my god I'm gonna do it.

--I am writing to you from a mall. But this aint no Woodfield and this ain't no powerbook.

--I gotta wrap it up. I wish you were here.

The Nightclub

The nightclub in the basement of my hotel is called Spazzo. It was filled with gorgeous, skinny Thai girls with middle aged white men rubbing their boners up against them. Now, I had heard of such things, but to see it all right in front of you is really quite alarming. And arousing. I had to take this all in as the band played such crowd-pleasing hits as Love Shack and Let's Get Retarded. Yeah, there was a cover band. Playing Love Shack. And Let's Get Retarded. Oh, I think we're already there. I don't think there's any need to ask for retardation or wait for retardation...we've pretty much hit it full on.

I couldn't get a drink there to save my life. I'm surprised I wasn't asked to leave. "Excuse me ma'am, yes, this is a Thai sex stick and dirty old white man sex house. You look like you are a white woman close to maybe 30. You might remind these men of their daughters or wives, things they are running away from. Please, take your lonlieness and your nice little attempt at dressing up back up to your hotel room and your MTV. Thank you, rady."

He develops an Asian accent right at the end of his speech for some reason.

This is me in Bangkok

MTV Asia has kept me going. They play Blink 182 and Shakira and they know what I need. I watch MTV Asia at 5 pm, 3 am, 8 am...It does not matter. I am not going outside and dealing with that pussy smell and all those weird taxis. My Ambien is no longer working. I cannot sleep day or night. I read about Buddhism. The Buddhists believe that suffering is the result of wrong doing. Love and forgiveness bring good fortune. I think about strength. I try to forgive Tyrone. I try to let anger go. I shower a lot. I try to read my books but cannot. I go to check my email to see if Jerome is coming. I shower again. I re-organize my belongings. I email Jeremy. I see people walking with other people. That is neat. I see people talking with others. Engaging in conversations and making one another laugh. Most interesting. I walk and walk. It is like New York City, but with incense, tuk tuks and people talking backwards. I go to see an American movie. To commune with my kind. I see The Island, a sci-fi starring Scarlett Johanson. This is not my kind. I laugh about how stupid it is. I look around to see who will laugh with me about how bad this movie is. They are not laughing. They are enchanted. They think this movie is great. I think they are retarded. I walk out. I go to check my email. It takes me half an hour to find the exit to the mall. I am so tired I somehow get stuck in a food court on the fourth floor. I walk around and around the food court but it’s like a maze. There is no exit. Then, out of nowhere, California Dreaming starts blaring. I must be going mad. Surely, I have lost my mind. This would never happen to Jackie O. Asia received Jackie with open arms and lines of wais and leis. That’s right. They started pulling shit from other cultures and heaping it on her they were so happy to see her. Thai monks donned leiderhosen and danced around the maypole. Whatever, it was the opposite of being stood up by a drug-addled Montana hill billy. Jackie O would never let this happen to her. She would have gotten a bad feeling about Jerome and ran in the other direction. Or glided in the other direction. Whatever it is that Jackie does. Maybe that’s what I need to do. Fuck him and his problems. I can’t be Mother Teresa for everyone. Just a select few and this kid ain’t making the cut anymore. First thing tomorrow morning, I’m getting out of here, putting this behind me, forgetting about helping this asshole and getting on the first bus to Sanityville, aka Siem Reap. There I will find my Scandinavian backpackers who go limp at the thought of skinny Thai girls. Their dreams are filled with strong busty German girls with child-bearing hips and long, long arms that help them drag their 40 pound Columbia backpack around airports. This soothing thought, escape, should help bring sleep.

Sleep is not coming. But room service is.

3 AM. I order room service. 34 dollar prime sirloin. I do the wai to the boy who delivers it. He asks me where I want the table. Right there. Right in front of my MTV Asia. Perfect. Ah, prime rib, potatoes and MTV Asia at 3 am. Life does not get any better than this. This is perfect.

Except that I am full-bore batshit crazy.

And I want to go home.

Kara Does Asia: Episode 1

Email to Jeremy from Bangkok, August 5:
everysing es very bad. had to take cab on wrong side of road to hotel, where much loneliness and Scarlet Johannson can be played. i am on sleepeing pills right now, but later: very funny, astute, travel observations. so much turburence! sorry for turburence! oh lord. every lady very attractive and very much sexual. don't tell anybody that i am totally all alone in scary foreeign city.