Joke of the Day

I've recently been diagnosed with Guillaume-Barr syndrome. I am unable to process certain episodes of "Benson" as well as "Roseanne."

Joke of the Day

Women are now suffering from gender disappointment, post-giving birth. Whatever happened to just being happy you didn't die of diphtheria from a rusted tong? I know I know. Diphtheria isn't caused by rusty tongs. It's caused by being a member of the royal family.

Joke of the Day

The new hybrids are too quite and could pose a danger. Sound techs are creating sound effects you can pick and choose for your car. I want the "discrete lady fart" for my car. It's a soft fart followed by a desperate attempt at distracting conversation.

Joke of the Day

A friend of mine asked me out for Pakistani food in Tribeca. I said, "let's wait till these drones monitoring Pakistani activity are out of the beta phase."

Joke of the Day

Is it just me or is this Catholic church celibacy requirement bringing priests not closer to God, but closer to thinking they are God?

Joke of the Day

Conde Nast has cut Modern Bride magazine. Post-modern Bride magazine however will remain in print and totally unintelligible.

Joke of the Day

The Southeast Asian Games are set to commence this December. Events include "lady boy or real girl," "who can carry the most chicken cages on their motorcycle" and "most disgusting smell coming from a food."

Joke of the Day

Sorry, gentlemen, I'm not available. First of all, I'm a lesbian. Secondly, I have a boyfriend.

Joke of the Day

An article published in a military journal argues for the repeal of the "don't ask don't tell" policy governing "homosexual servicemembers." No word, however, about when they will stop using the term "homosexual servicemembers."

This joke lacks parallelism.

Joke of the Day

I told my mom, who's Lutheran, that I was dating a Jewish man. She said, "Well, you know their Passover Seder deserts are made from the blood of Christian babies." I told her "Mom! He's not a practicing Jew."

Joke of the Day

A jobless man in England uncovered 1,500 pieces of early Anglo-Saxon treasure. Meanwhile, basic human emotion in England remains deeply buried.

Joke of the Day

My dad asked me the other day, "I heard a writer refer to a midwestern suit. What's a midwestern suit?" I said it's a suit that comes with a secret pocket for all your excessive, unspoken judgments and prejudices.

Joke of the Day

My friend told me that every good American Jew reads Philip Roth. I told her every good Midwestern Lutheran reads the comics.

Joke of the Day

I became very concerned that I wouldn't make a difference. Then I decided to subtract one quantity from the other.

Joke of the Day

The world's oldest living person died today at 115. She ate bacon, fried chicken, ice cream and referred to black people, like herself, as "colored" and watched Jerry Springer. Now half the South is going to think they're going to live forever.

Joke of the Day

The Russian education minister is making the Gulag Archipelago assigned reading. All who do not comply will be given striped pajamas and sent to a work camp.

Joke of the Day

One million new york city high school students returned to school today, making the commute of five million subway commuters one million times worse.

Joke of the Day

Iranian vote counters continue despite strictly enforced no-sitting-on-chairs rule.

Joke of the Day

Oliver Stone is working on Wall Street 2, hoping to inadvertantly inspire a whole new generation to go into morally depraved financial jobs.

Joke of the Day

Love is an action and it looks like spellchecking.