Me Against the New Madonna Song

After enduring a barrage of gushing Madonna-Celebration-related Facebook messages, texts and emails from my gay male friends (okay: three), I finally forked over my $1.29 for the new Madonna song. Guess what? I’m disappointed. Much like the 2005 release of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, there was no way the product could live up to the hype purported by gay men. The first sign of trouble came with the song photo, which displays a collection of black and white photos of Madonna and
her skeleton head in various phases of “Party” or as she says it: “Potty.” One such photo shows her sucking on a cigarette while a male hand lights it. Potty. If it is 1993 and you are hanging out in the school parking lot, ditching class. There’s also the classic Madonna dance pose: one hand raised defiantly above her head, while she looks down to the ground, mouth open in serious “getting stuff done” dance mode. Potty.

The song does start with an authoritative dance beat, but before long Madge has to open her mouth with her commentary:

“I think you wanna come over, yeah I heard it through the grapevine.”

Pretty typical but pretty clear. Madonna is in control, in possession of the necessary information. She is a woman in the know, connected to the “grapevine.”

“Are you drunk or you sober? Think about it, doesn’t matter.”

Here she gets confusing. If it doesn’t matter, why do I have to think about it. WHY EVEN BRING IT UP. This reminds me of certain fights I’ve had with my boyfriend. I will ask a question that should have just been a statement.

Kara: Are you feeling comfortable treating me this way?

Boyfriend: What are you feeling Kara? Is there a feeling that you want to say?

Kara: YES. I FEEL LIKE I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THE WAY YOU WERE TALKING. AND I DON’T LIKE THE WAY WE ARE TALKING RIGHT NOW. (takes to bed and starts crying)

Back to Madonna!

In the next lyric, she doles out some terrible advice:

“and if it makes you feel good then I say do it”

Madonna, I’m not sure how many AA friends you have or friends who compulsively eat hamburgers, but pretty much for some people? If it makes us feel good? We probably shouldn’t do it. Because it kills us. So…pretty stupid advice if you are talking to, well, Americans.

More silly lyrics:

“Let’s get this started, yeah
Coz everybody wants to party with you.”

“Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
You look familiar…
You wanna dance? …Yeah.
I guess I just don’t recognize you with your clothes on… (laughs)”

“I’m a slut” humor: I used to be a fan. When I was 15.

Okay, maybe I’m being too hard on her. Have I tried to write a dance song? No. So let’s get a little Atticus Finch and try walking a mile in a man’s dance shoes before judging.

Here is my dance song:


Ooohhh you know I like to dance
But sometimes I feel uncomfortable
Don’t know whether to do the grocery store
Or to dance like Dr. Huxtable

I just wanna dance
Just feel the beat and get on the floor
Come on now
Put your carrot cake down and dance with me

I put on a special bra.
So I can wear a strapless dress
and still dance
Yes they served carrot cake at a wedding

Ooohhh you know I like to dance
But sometimes I feel uncomfortable
Don’t know whether to do the grocery store
Or to dance like Dr. Huxtable



Okay, so writing a dance song is pretty hard. I guess Celebration is pretty good. It does what every good Madonna dance song has made me do: make me laugh at Madonna and love her at the same time. Download it today.